It’s been about 84 years since I posted to Instagram, &even longer since I posted myself, in my current form, confidently. Since my wedding in 2018, I’ve gained upwards of 35 pounds. For anyone, that’s enough to really wound self-esteem. For me, a person who has battled anorexia, bulimia, clinical depression &anxiety, it’s sent me spiraling. The “most embarrassing” part of gaining weight (I put that in quotes because it 👏 is 👏 not 👏 a 👏 point 👏 of 👏 shame 👏) is when others notice. When they give you the once over — take in your fuller face, bigger stomach, and thicker legs. When the look on their faces say, “what happened? you really let yourself go. are you okay?” I’ve bounced around with what to do. Do I diet like I did before my wedding, when friends &strangers would tell me how good, how skinny, how hot I had become? I thought about it. But it just didn’t sit right. Because to be honest? I’m exhausted. I’m so tired of checking the scale, spending days eating just lettuce &chicken, restricting &binging, begging myself to become a “better” me. So last week, I did something different. I put away the scale that I’ve religiously stood on since college. I ordered a Fitbit. I got some pairs of plus-size clothing, &I had a few (socially distanced) shoots with photographers. Before, I would have said: We’ll get new clothes &pics when we get back to our deal size. THAT will be your reward. But again, I’m fucking tired. I’m tired of thinking I can’t look good at a heavier weight. That my value is lower because my jean size went up. That I can’t pretend to be a fucking model &get some fire pictures because my abs are MIA. It’s bullshit, &for the first time ever, I ACTUALLY see it. Instead of weigh ins or restrictions, I’m taking daily walks. I’m eating more whole grains and salads. I’m cutting back on wine and snacking less on pizza. I’m making REAL healthy choices, for the first time in my life. &the reason isn’t to ~look better~ (because I’m a fucking babe rn), it’s just to feel better. Whether that means my abs will come back or I’ll get to keep these new, bigger boobs — I’m cool either way. http://liketk.it/2T2sV liketkit @liketoknow.it LTKcurves